Dating Advice #6:
Waiting to have sex with my wife will mean better sex in my marriage.
Why? Because we’ll go into the marriage with me having more respect for her and her having more trust in me. One thing I’ve learned: if a girl doesn’t trust a guy, she doesn’t want to give herself wholly to him. Deep down, she doesn’t really enjoy being with him.
This is how it works. Since “girls use sex to get love, and guys use love to get sex,” a couple will have sex before marriage. The girl does this to hold on to the relationship. The guy does it because he wants it even more than the relationship itself. Then, after the marriage, the woman has what she wants: a commitment from the man. So she doesn’t need to use sex to get him anymore. And, because she may be harboring resentment because he had sex with her before they were married, she is now not interested in sex. And the guy — who doesn’t treasure his wife because of the sex before marriage — still wants sex but not as a total bonding experience with his wife. It’s just sex, which she figures out. So, there is a lousy sex life in the marriage.
I’m not making this stuff up. Now that I’m out of college and many people around me are getting married, I’m seeing it happen all the time. The antidote: waiting for marriage to have sex will give the man a greater respect for his wife and the woman a greater respect for her husband. And consequently they’ll have better and more frequent sex because they respect each other more and love each other more deeply.
Dating Advice #7:
Not having sex with other women will mean better sex in my marriage.
Sex is a mysterious thing that causes a deep bond between people, even if we call it “casual.” The problem is this: the more I bond with other girls, the less I’ll be able to bond with my future wife. It’s like a piece of scotch tape — the more you use it on different surfaces, the less it sticks to things. After awhile, it won’t stick to anything.
If I bond with other girls before I get married, I won’t be able to bond as well with my wife someday. I won’t cherish her as much as I could have, and consequently I won’t love her as much as I could have. Each day that passes that I’ve remained faithful to my future wife means that my relationship with her will be better.
It’s a funny thing: our culture decries adultery, yet it freely condones premarital sex, even with multiple partners. That’s ironic. Because, if you take the element of time out of the equation, premarital sex is adultery. We can imagine how adultery would greatly injure a marriage relationship, maybe premarital sex actually has nearly the same result. It injures the potential bond between a man and a woman.
Dating Advice #8:
I don’t have to sleep with a woman to know if we’re “sexually compatible.”
Sex is meant to complement a relationship, not be the most important aspect of it. That’s what I’ve found out. It’s supposed to be the icing on the cake when all the other aspects of your relationship are working well. I’ve come to understand that the sex will be good if the rest of the relationship is good. That’s why I know I don’t have to sleep with my wife to find out if we’re sexually compatible. If we get along in every other area, the sex will be fine.
Something else needs to be said here. Another thing I think I’ve “discovered” is this: when you place sex as the determining factor of the relationship, it will probably result in poor sex. Think about it. If you put your sexual relationship under a microscope, always judging it and judging the relationship by it, it’s doomed to fail. It’s like being in prison. You’re locked in to something that is supposed to be freeing, not incapacitating.
But, when you focus on the other parts of the relationship, and the sex isn’t the focus, then you’re freed up to have a more enjoyable sex life, with no pressure of having to make it always spectacular. (Because it won’t be.) And yet, I don’t think that as a college-age adult I was capable of not focusing on sex, that is, unless it wasn’t present at all. That’s why I think it’s best to wait altogether.
Dating Advice #9:
I have found something more satisfying than sex.
I know what you’re thinking: “Yeh, right.” But it’s true. And in fact, in a way sex helped me to discover the something that outdoes it. And that something is not really a something, it’s a someone. It’s God.
Just hear me out on this one, I know it sounds far-fetched, but the whole thing makes sense. God has created us in such a way that we can’t be ultimately satisfied by anything except Him. He built that into the human system, and into each one of our individual systems. As one man put it, “Inside every person is a God-shaped vacuum that only God can fill.”
That’s why we see people change careers, mates, fashions, and more — because in our search for ultimate fulfillment, we get frustrated with the things (and people) that have not achieved it for us. So we discard them and move on to something (or someone) else, hoping that in them we will find the kind of fulfillment we are all really looking for. But the problem is, we never find it unless we come to God for it, because only He can provide it.
God loves us too much to see us truly satisfied by anything other than Himself. He wants the best for us, and that means Himself. Nothing or no one is more important than God. I know that’s true because I found it out for myself. The emptiness I had — after buying this and buying that, after sexual escapades, after all my efforts to be fulfilled in life — the emptiness came to an end when I asked God into my life. More specifically, when I asked Jesus Christ into my life. Jesus Christ said, “He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty” (John 6:35). Those words came true in my life. When I entered into a relationship with God, the God-shaped vacuum inside me was finally filled. I didn’t feel empty anymore. Consequently, knowing God has given me a deeper satisfaction than sex ever did.
Dating Advice #10:
God has given me the strength to wait.
It’s been years since I’ve had sex. I wish I could say that I totally waited for marriage, but I can’t. I do have regrets (and, as I said before, they have lasted much longer than any momentary pleasures). I have regrets about the way I’ve treated girls. I have concerns about the stability of my future marriage (if and when I get married). But God has helped me to deal with my past acts and with my concerns for the future. He is in the process of changing me, and has changed me a lot already.
Also, God has given me the ability to wait for marriage to have sex again. Sure, it’s been a struggle at times, but God has been big enough to get me through it. All things are possible with Him. And each day, week, year that goes by, I know I’ll have a better and stronger marriage someday because I’ve waited. Too, I have a stronger relationship with God, today, as a result of depending on Him in this vital area of my life as a man.